Weak & Strong
by Dementia-12
Summary: Shonen-ai. RuHanaSen love triangle full of unrequited love, passion and sadness.
1. Default Chapter

Genre: Shonen-ai; Angst, Drama, Romance  
Rating: PG-13   
Un-betaed  
Pairings listed on the bottom of the page. 

  


****

Weak & Strong  
By Dementia_12 

  


I wanted Haruko to be the last. 

The last one to make my heart leap into my throat, making me feel like the luckiest man in the world.  
But then I met you.  


And you made me feel weak and strong all at once...

But you didn't want me. 

You patronized me, laughed with me, smiled at me with your eyes gleaming brightly of humour and intellect. And I mistakenly thought you might look at me with love in your eyes someday. 

I confessed to you, my love shared to you almost shyly. I spoke it quietly, a secret just for you to know.

And at my words, your face became frozen for an eternal moment. It became serious, became sad, and sympathetic.

You told me that we were not meant to be, that my hands would not know how it felt to touch you, to embrace you warmly in the heat of my affection for you.

  


No...because you didn't love me. You just didn't.

  


And there is really nothing more I can say about that. Nothing that would let you know how I hurt that day. How I made myself pathetically play it off as a joke. How I left nary thirty seconds after because my face had turned to stone and I had not wanted you to see me crack into rubble.

That day, I had wished that I had a picture of you. I wanted to be able to scream and rant at it, weep over it and beg for your image to love me because all my heart knew now was you.

But you just didn't love me.

Days after, eyes rimmed red with shameful bouts of crying, I could feel myself hardening. I was distancing myself from the world. 

It finally felt like the last straw.

How many times could I finally offer myself - my heart? - before enough is enough?

Sendoh...you were the final one to count.

  


*****

  


Do'aho...what happened to you?

You walk around with a constant tension in your shoulders; your brown eyes look haunted by ghosts...

What happened?

I know I'm not the only one to have noticed. When you take a break to get a drink or turn your head away, looking lost, everyone looks concerned. And no one knows what to do to help you...

Especially me.

And I do want to help you, though you would never accept any assistance from me.

I would think you'd be glowing from the attention that Akagi girl has been giving you lately, but you're not. It's amazing, really. You even passed her by once when she was waving at you, lost in a haze in your head. 

Suffice to say, knowing you and your obvious crush on that girl, I was bewildered. What had happened to you that had left you feeling so...I don't know...despondant? Dispirited?

...Dead inside...like me.

God help you, if that much is true.

God help me.

Because you were the only one who ever made me feel alive.

And you weren't returning, not the you I know. 

The life you brim with each and everyday didn't - wasn't - surfacing. 

You barely even pick fights with me anymore. I never thought that would ever happen yet here it was - and that worried me more than anything else.

I watched you change.

I wanted it to stop.

In my nights, I dwell on you. I think how you've become my worst nightmare. 

My love is in ruins. 

If only I knew why...

And now when I slept, I slept fitfully. I had always thought of you but you've started to invade my dreams. You walk across vast plains, feet dragging and face grey. The light from the world is gone and you are there, my broken sun. 

I touched you but you didn't care.

And I kissed you and still, you didn't care.

I shook you, tried to break you from your desolation.

But nothing rattled you.

You didn't care about anything or about me.

What could make you strong again?

  


The answer came about a month later. 

  


Practice was nearly over. The bleachers had a smattering of fans cheering and clapping encouragingly to any good play while the Rukawa Kaede Fan club shouted their love to the amusement and annoyance of others.

Then, at one point, a masculine voice called out clearly,

"Put some effort into it, Sakuragi!"

A couple of players looked over to look at who was the owner of the voice, including me. I was somewhat surprised to see that it was Akira Sendoh, a familiar face from a rival team...who was shouting for Hanamichi...

I shifted my gaze to the red head and was startled and disturbed by his expression. His face had paled, and his eyes were a storm of what looked to be an old, remembered sadness and confusion. It was...the same look he had when he was thinking, reflecting on whatever had leached the energy out of his days.

Sendoh...Sendoh was to blame.

But in what way? 

The first thought in my head disarmed me, and I only think it occurred to me because of my own feelings for Hanamichi but...

It couldn't be... romantically, could it? No. Of course not. Even if he did have eyes for someone other than Akagi's sister, why would he pick Sendoh? 

Sendoh's not...he's not...  
Anything like me.

I know that I am boring holes into Hanamichi's head with my stare but I crave an explanation. I need one right now. I refuse to let this plague me any further.

I don't want to have to mash in another piece of the puzzle in hopes that it fits. I want the whole picture and I want it right now. Under my scrutiny, I watched Hanamichi look away from Sendoh with an almost imperceptible swallow. We all returned to the game but my eyes never left his face.

Were his eyes a little brighter? Did his jumps take him higher? Was he beginning to glow with life again because Sendoh had hollered at him? In my possessive frame of mind, the answer was yes, yes, yes.

Because of Sendoh.

A sick feeling stirred in my gut and my throat tightened.   
Because of Sendoh...

No, I have to be wrong. Hanamichi and Sendoh never...dated. I would've noticed... But...how else could have Sendoh affected Hanamichi so completely? I know he's the reason for Hanamichi being the way he is right now.

Sendoh and.…Hanamichi.

Practice is over.   
Good timing.   
I think I'll head over to where Sendoh is and break his jaw.  
Sounds like a plan.

I look at the ceiling lights of the gymnasium and slow my respiration, trying to calm myself though I know I look typically placid   
on the outside. I can feel the vein in my temple beating quickly, my eyes stinging against the light.

I'm waiting.   
I have to see.

Hanamichi brushed the sweat off his forehead and the recent aura of melancholy and tension he had come to bear exuded itself more strongly. He's wary, I can see.  
Bu he does it. Does what I waited for.

He approaches Sendoh.

Sendoh stands up as Hanamichi reached him and they talk quietly for a minute, having a stilted conversation by my judgement. Hanamichi's eyes are wavering, moving from Sendoh and back again like he thinks it's a dream or something.

I'm staring. I know it and I don't care. If they can see past one another, they'll see me, ask each other what I'm looking it, then shrug me off. It's as simple as all that.  


Because I don't matter to either of them.   
To Hanamichi.

I watch as Hanamichi nods once to Sendoh and hurries to the locker room to shower and change. Sendoh sits...he's waiting for Hanamichi.

I approach Sendoh and he smiles briefly at me, not as easily as he once did.

I have no qualms about being blunt so without greeting him, I ask, "Why are you here?"

He smirks at me, and I am forced again to see how different we are. I can tell what he's thinking about just by the looks on his face. His current expression is saying 'How typical of that cold Rukawa to just jump into a conversation without even saying 'Hello' first. 

Yeah, that's me. 

Now give me my answers, Kisama.

"I'm here to see Hanamichi." Sendoh responds and I can feel my posture straighten.  
"Why?" I pursue, as verbally efficient as ever. Sendoh regards me curiously.  


"Why what?"

"Why are you here to see him?" I am becoming frustrated. I just want to get to the root of it as quickly as possible.   


"What? Are you Hanamichi's chaperon all of a sudden? You don't even like the guy." Sendoh smiles at me, inviting me to share his humour when all I want to do is hit him.

I have to say it. I have to ask.

"What did you do to Hanamichi to upset him so much?"

Now he's suspicious of me, wondering where all these questions of mine are coming from, wondering why I care in the first place.

"It's a little personal, Rukawa. I don't think you want to know."

I am on the verge of violence for the answers   
Sendoh is evading me.   
"Tell me right - "

Hanamichi enters and stops at his eyes dart from me to Sendoh. My heart beats a little faster because it is the first time he has looked at me in days, even if it is because of Sendoh. I suppose I look imposing because his eyebrows drop angrily and he looks to Sendoh. "Let's go." he says, ignoring me completely. Sendoh nods and bids me good-bye, though I'm sure he knows I meant to threaten him before Hanamichi made his impromptu interruption. And before they leave, Hanamichi turns to his head to look at me over his shoulder with an expression that threatened the well-being of my heart severely. It was a look of possession, of anger and jealousy. It was the look he had given me once before when he had learned of that Akagi girl's puppy love for me but now it was fives times as more deadly because of so many more reasons.  


He...he...

And it was then I knew I was right.

Somehow, Hanamichi and Sendoh were romantically linked.

He...loved Sendoh.

The gym was empty. I could hear the dull laughter and chatter coming from behind the locker room doors drowning out by the sound of my accelerating heartbeat. 

Too fast...too fast...

Oh god, he doesn't want me. He'll never want me. 

He...he wants 

Sendoh. I can't believe it. He loves Sendoh...no... no. 

I lost my chance even before I had it.

I don't remember leaving the gym but then I was in a bathroom stall, sitting on a toilet with my face buried in my hands.

Hanamichi...Hanamichi...Hanamichi....

Something is building inside of me...I..I...

Oh...god...

My eyes are squeezed tight. I'm shaking.

What's wrong with me? Did I really care that much?

...I can't breathe...I can't cry...I'm choking on my...my. .

Oh god. 

I love him.

I didn't know I was that far gone, but it's true.

And now I'm crying. 

God help me for loving Sakuragi Hanamichi.

****

[To be continued…]

Notes: RuHana, HanaSen 


	2. Weak & Strong: Part II

Weak & Strong - Part II  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
By Dementia_12 

"Sendoh, what do you want?"

I stop and look at him, pausing in the middle of the sidewalk to find an answer. Sendoh stops as well, a strange expression gracing his face fleetingly before he gestures forward.

"I need to talk to you but privately. Just a little further, ok Hanamichi?"

I don't reply but continue walking, my mind flying forward with a mess of possibilities of what was to come. Did he know that I wasn't joking about what I said? Did he finally want me? Would everything be as perfect as I dreamed it to be? I could feel the warring emotions inside my heart, waiting anxiously for his words.

//Please. I don't think I could stand him rejecting me again.//

As we began to cut across the park to Sendoh's mystery spot, I reached out and took hold of his arm. 

"Wait."

Pulling him to face me, I put both his hands on Sendoh's shoulders and quietly relished the innocent contact. My patience dwindling, I intoned, "Can we just get it over with, Sendoh? I kind of have things to do." 

It wasn't true; nothing was as important to me as spending time with him but I didn't want him to know it. 

//Your weakness is his power! Don't let him know!//, the wounded part of my heart called out to me in warning. I clenched my jaw and tried to smile at him in defiance of my pain. It felt tight and artificial to me, but he gave me a smile back that seemed sad somehow and nodded.

"Ok." he agreed amicably.

Before I could stop my traitorous mouth, I asked, "Are you okay?" genuine concern wrought in each word.

//Stop it! Stop it! He'll know you care!//, my heart cried. I quickly suppressed the voice with a gruff

"I do care!!" from my mind, squashing it relentlessly as I anticipated Sendoh's reply.

I moved to pull my hands away from him but he grabbed one. I don't think I stopped my short gasp from escaping at his touch but he didn't seem to have heard it.

"It's been a while since we've talked, ne?" he asks me in return, his dark eyes glinting enigmatically.

Shit, he's making me nervous...  
Gotta stop it before I - 

I suddenly laugh involuntarily and place my free hand on the back of my neck, feeling myself turn a little red.

Shit! Too late. 

"I think it's been a couple of weeks, ne? Who's counting, right?" I answer jauntily, following it with a chuckle. 

It's been a month and three days since I've had a reason to feel this giddy. I know that much.

He smiles at me more brightly and finally lets go of my other hand.

"Some thing never change, do they Hanamichi?" Sendoh asks, tilting his head.  
His question cuts off my responding laughter abruptly when I think about it.

Some things never change...

"We'll always be friends, ne Hanamichi?" Sendoh inquired. 

I immediately wondered what would make him ask such a thing but the look of his face told me what I needed to know. I realized that Sendoh knew I hadn't been joking when I had told him that I loved him not so long ago and now he was wondering where we stood. 

He looked concerned, even worried over the fact that we might not be friends anymore.  
And that thought warmed my chilling heart immeasurably.

He loved me.

Sendoh did love me. 

Not the way I needed but the fact that he cares about me this much thrilled me. I want him to be in my life no matter what and if I have to make do with a friend who loves me this way, than I'm still a damn lucky man. 

And I guess this is something I need to have more of in my life too.

Damn, I know I'm going to be wasting a good nights sleep by thinking about all of this but already, I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a while.

I wrap an arm around Sendoh's shoulder with a bark of laughter that comes straight from my gut, and steer him onward.

"Geez, you're becoming sappy in your old age, Sendoh! You'll always be fortunate enough to be friends with the Tensai! HAHAHA!"

I could detect a sense of relief in Sendoh's reciprocating laughter and I squeezed him closer to me.

Hell, we may just be friends but I can still cop a feel! Ore wa Tensai! HAHAHA!

[To be continued…?]


	3. Chapter III

***** = indicates a change in POV, from either third person to first person.

Can the force of your suppressed emotions build in you to the point of insurgence? To the point where the glass of your eyes cracks and shatters at your feet, gushing forth precious feelings in feverish abandon?

My feelings for Hanamichi will crack a hole through me.

Life continued, because my flesh was stronger than the feelings in my heart. I could not will myself to succumb to the plane of desperation and pain I had been living, not even if I wanted to. Not the way I wanted to.

I was sure I would not be able to take it, going to school everyday and seeing Hanamichi five times a week. And with this challenge from Ryonan looming before me like a beast of burden, I'm not sure I can stand to contain myself any longer. My mind is trapped in that moment of time, seeing Hanamichi glare at me with his ardent eyes, glowing in his affection for that... fake... pretentious...undeserving...lucky son of a bitch. 

Everything and nothing was in that moment - my life altered yet it was not enough. 

How can I push on?

*****

The practice was getting heated and there was one minute left in the game. The sound of feet running across the court sounded like a stampede as the opposing team tried to make a fast break in order to stop Rukawa from scoring.

Hanamichi was already there, his almost inhuman speed earning him a position right under the net. Rukawa smirked at him in a quick millisecond as he met him there, his game face exhibiting nothing deeper than the need to win. The super rookie flew up in a graceful leap. The lights of the ceiling shone in his eyes and he knew it would go in.

Go.   
Go.   
Go!

A flash of darkness blocked his vision for a second and threatened to take him down but with a quick twist of his body, Rukawa tossed the basketball into the net before he was knocked down hard with a angry grunt. 

The vehemence for competition quickly changed into a different kind of passion.

The time spent with Hanamichi on top of him felt stolen. It was such a silly, routine event to have another player fall and take down someone else but those few seconds would be such wonderful fodder for his dreams.

"Oi, Hanamichi! Are you ok? You're crushing Rukawa!" Ayako shouted with some concern for both players. 

Hanamichi bounded off Rukawa in a flash, already up and shouting "Of course, the tensai is ok! The kitsune just got a lucky shot in!" He quickly ran off to the locker room with his hands shoved down his shorts , muttering to himself about how fox feet must be as lucky as rabbits feet. 

Everyone quickly left the gym and eagerly went to hit the showers after such a hectic practice game. Rukawa got up as well, dusting his shorts for a moment before moving to follow them when he heard a jaunty shout from behind.

"Oi! Rukawa!"

Pale lips compressed into a tight line as he heard the voice calling for him. Hands fisted instinctively and as he slowly turned his head to see the unwanted visitor, he was met with a friendly smile.

"Good game, Rukawa."

Not bothering to respond with anything more than a heartfelt glare, Rukawa turned back to walk towards the locker room when he heard Sendoh say cheerfully, "I know you like him."

Spinning around with wide eyes, Rukawa charged at Sendoh and was in his face instantly.

"You don't know anything." Cold Prussian eyes flickered with antagonism at his rival. Sendoh blinked in surprise but his smile quickly returned.

"I can help you get him."

Thrash him.   
Mash him.   
Beat him to a pulp. 

Rukawa took a deep breath to control himself. His emotions were jittering across his nerves and they were making him edgy and tense. 

Ignoring the lack of response from Rukawa, Sendoh continued on as if unaware that he was risking Rukawa's wrath.

"I know that you like him but he likes me. But the good news is that I think he's starting to get over me. I think he's starting to see me as just a buddy again rather than a boyfriend. I've put some thought into it and I realized that you guys would make a great couple. Plus I want to see Hanamichi happy and you know what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate, right? What I'm saying is that we blur that line. What do you think?"

Great couple?   
Blur the line between love and hate…?  
These words…in this order…was it possible?   


It was so unreal to hear them spoken aloud as if it was a real possibility that Sakuragi Hanamichi and Rukawa Kaede could be a couple...

If only…

"Hey, where did you go?" Rukawa felt himself being shaken and came back to reality. Shoving Sendoh back, he glared at the other boy.

"Do'aho."  
"Well, what do you say?"  
"I say, what do you get out of it?"

Sendoh smiled at him. It was the same kind of smile he would receive on the court before Sendoh executed a fake-out or something else he thought was clever. It brought Rukawa's ire back to life.

"Hanamichi's happiness."

Hanamichi charged out of the locker room just at that moment and saw the two star players together. 

His eyes fell on Sendoh and a grin sprung out on his face.

"Oi, Smiley! Let's go!"

*****

There it is. 

Surging. 

Ready to spill, to dive and fall in ecstatic suicide.

What chance did I have when he shone that brightly for someone else, for that Sendoh? It felt like I was reliving that moment when I realized Hanamichi's feelings for him. I feel this suffocating hopelessness coil and writhing in my guts, in my spine, in my heart. 

Don't. Don't Don't.

Don't stare at the sun.

I just watch Hanamichi as he ignores me completely, gaily babbling on and on to his crush. His smile is so sweet and bright and my restraint is leaving me. He's getting to me.

My eyes are burning.

Oh God.

He's got me…and I'm crying.

*****

Sendoh looks at Rukawa in alarm as he sees the tear track down his pale face.

Rukawa doesn't even seem to sense it. He's looking blankly at Hanamichi.

"Rukawa! What's wrong??" 

Sendoh's worried inquiry finally gets Hanamichi to look towards the other boy and is shocked to see him crying. 

"Kitsune??"

Watery blue eyes gained responsiveness then and Rukawa wiped away his tears with a casual, indifferent air. Without another word, he left the two other players and made his way to the locker room

Just as the door swung behind closed behind him, he heard Sendoh call to him.

"Rukawa, it'll be ok!"

*****

New tears surfaced as Rukawa walked on but he blinked them back as he fiddled with his lock, not hearing the jovial conversations of his team mates around him.

"No one knows," he thought as he quietly placed his things on the bench and went to take a shower. 

Standing under the stream, the water beat down on his face and against his tenuous resolve. The shower masked the tears he let silently stream away into oblivion. 

Despondent eyes falling closed with despair, Rukawa knew he was the only one to know.

For it was his truth alone.

Because for him, no one knows but him…

that it'll never be okay again.

__

[To be continued…]

Author's notes:

Hi! Thanks for reading so far! I'm determined to finish this story in this lifetime but as you can probably tell, I'm a very slow writer. I am the tortoise of the literary world. ^_^ But I hope you enjoyed it and please review! I want to make it Rukawa's story really. It may seem similar to the first chapter (but hopefully not) but I'm building Rukawa's feelings because I want to show how deeply this all means to him. ^_^

Please review! ^_^ 

And no flames! - if you do, I'll take the fire of your evil ways and set you on fire in a haphazard (yet altogether sinister fun for me) to clean your wickedness away! Catharsis! Have we learned nothing from Zetsuai? ;) Ja ne!


End file.
